To you
Yes, plan for the future, there is nothing wrong with it. However, don’t get so obsessed with planning for the future that you take the present for granted. There will be no future without the present.
From me
Epiphany
When was the last time you sat down and think about what is/are really the most important to you?
Throughout these 22 years of my life, I have met many people from different backgrounds and also learned a lot from them, be it good or bad. I have also came to realised that people come and go, it’s inevitable. Some people are meant to stay while some are only meant to be lessons learned, to be honest, I am thankful to have met both kinds!
Over the past 1.5 year I lost sight of myself as an individual, especially after getting into a relationship and starting university. When you are in a new environment with new people, its natural to have your guards up and eventually you kind of got used to your facade that you actually became it. What’s worse is that I also gradually lost sight of who I was before getting attached. I sat down one night to think about why I was unhappy and realised one thing. I have no idea who I am anymore.
This feeling sucks and I am trying very hard to find myself again. I will definitely not be able to go back to who i was 1.5 years back, but I am confident I will be able to shape a better me out after all the pain and hardships! I admit to pushing so many things aside for my relationship, and I lost a lot of what-could-be happy moments. Since time cannot unwind itself and bring me back, all i can do is try to patch things up and build more happy moments with all those i treasure, in the upcoming years to come.
Finally I am gathering up my courage and taking a step forward to a new start. I am super grateful for those people who stayed to support me all the way, even when I started straying. I find it fulfilling and i felt a strange feel of happiness when i actually take some time (a lot actually) to sit down and reply their messages or even meet up with them to catch up! It might not be easy as I keep feeling its my fault for straying from them but it was them who made me realised the true ones are those who stay. It took me so much courage to open up to them again which isn’t easy as i feel that i am undeserving of their care and concern after all these.
I cannot believe how i lost sight of those who are as important to me as my own family while chasing what i thought will be eternal happiness. When that eternal happiness starts breaking down, I turned back and saw what i had destroyed and trampled on when i decided to abandon everything to go to him. The thing that had me breaking down in tears is that those things and people i abandoned and took for granted are still there when i turned around while trying to find my way back. After so much struggle, I will make sure that I will never lose sight of myself or those who truly care for me anymore. It is just not worth it.
经历了这么多，我竟然现在才发现原来我最执着的竟是你从来不在乎的。我放开手时天空突然亮了，我发现微笑的人总有幸福的可能。
Protected: Acceptance
Protected: Nature
轉了幾個彎 停了幾個站
天亮了 迷路了 你沒有過問
挽回幾次了 煩心幾遍了
哭過幾次才懂得我剩一個人
不想再愛了 不想捨不得
不想要變成 最後認輸的人
想哭想瘋想忘了
你曾是我愛的那個人
不想再愛了 不想再痛了
就算會失去了天份
我想安穩 我想完整
我想我受的傷夠了
思念一個人 也寂寞的人
擁有的 失去了 我害怕什麼
獨自一個人 獨自面對著
揮不散你的體溫 掙脫又如何
不想再愛了 不想捨不得
不想要變成 最後認輸的人
想哭想瘋想忘了
你曾是我愛的那個人
不想再愛了 不想再痛了
就算會失去了天份
我想安穩 我想完整
我想我受的傷夠了
誠實的面對我自己 想擺脫記憶
在破碎之後能永遠忘記你
不想再愛了 不想捨不得
不想要變成 最後認輸的人
想哭想瘋想忘了
你曾是我愛的那個人
不想再愛了 不想再痛了
就算會失去了天份
我想安穩 我想完整
我想我受的傷夠了
Thoughts
The ups and downs are just part and parcel in life and everyone has to go through it, why did it take so long for me to realise it? Every time i fall, its a lesson learned and every step i move ahead in has taught me to be humble. Where i am now is very much different from where i started out, with new people in my life, new friendships, new realisation and finally there’s him.
It has been quite a terrible 2 weeks, with this fight that lasted 2 days and CAs for both of us. When i actually sat down to think, i realised that most of the issues that arose between us is mainly due to me? For some reason, it feels like all these happened cos i has too much of a trust issue and that he is still very close friend with the girl (lets call her X) he dated before? I am not sure i am really over reacting or is there really something wrong. Why is it that i have a fear of talking about X with him, even if it is work related. He is always very protective of X and always stands on her side even if she is at fault. He always say that if the same thing happen to me he will do the same, but why is it that i actually doubt his words? Am i overly paranoid or am i right that a tiny part of him is still in love with her? I am pretty sure he wouldn’t have liked it if i stood by jk or the guy i dated before right?
Another thing is i was so hurt when he compared me to this other girl he dated before, although he said that he didnt mean it that way. I just thought that it was a bit insensitive for him to do that, esp since he know i have trust issues and is actually bothered by his past? I was so hurt that i couldn’t look at him straight in the face for a while. Sigh.
Then again looking forward, there is so many things to do and finals is coming up. Let’s pray that i will get by this 2 months peacefully and without any major setbacks. Sigh.
It hurts to see the number of fights we are already having when we haven’t even make it past the 1 month mark.I can’t help but think that maybe it wasnt really meant to be? Why is it that your past keeps coming back to haunt me although I am already trying my best to ignore it? I know it shouldn’t be this way but honestly I am getting tired and so many second thoughts are coming to mind😧
Blessed
The past few months hasn’t been easy for me, I was feeling unsure, insecure and I could actually feel myself getting doubtful of everything. My life was falling apart and my school life was shit, i was lagging and i couldn’t get back to my normal studying pace. In addition to that, i had to juggle 2 different main comms and being as forgetful as i can be i always mixed up the commitment dates. Some of my friends aren’t helping either, either guilt tripping me or making me feel bad about certain stuff. So many bombs were being dropped on me all at one go, be it commitment, friendship or relationship. I started doubting myself and everything that i did. It felt like i was alone once again, i never felt that for quite a long time already so i just shut myself in the room and moped around.
Then came that one day i couldn’t take it anymore, my inner stress and frustration just exploded and went out of control. I was supposed to meet YD that night but cos he didn’t tell me he would be later, i just flipped and packed then took the train back home. I guess he hasn’t seen me explode in anger before so he bloody shocked. He also knows me well enough to know that i wouldn’t just walk out without saying anything. I was super shocked when he actually went to my hall and sat outside my door for about 2 hours despite knowing that i was otw back.For some reason, i actually turned back from buona and went all the way back to hall to look for him and otw back i plucked up my courage to explain to him what happened. When i finally saw his face again, I was so close to tears and all i could think about was just hiding in his arms cos i know that is where i will feel safe no matter what. I knew he was annoyed cos i walked out on him, but the first thing he did was stroke my hair and pull me into his arms while lightly patting my back. That was our very ‘fight’ and that was always when i realised i really want him, for life.
I was worried this will cause us to drift apart but no, it actually brought us closer and i am really thankful for the fight, and for him. He always made it a point to be there for me no matter what happens but i realised it has been hard for him as i am always highly guarded against any emotional weakness from myself. However, he made me realised that maybe for once, for the very first time it will be okay to show myself completely and he might just be able to accept me as I am. From then on, i started treasuring him more and more and more, cos i really do love him.
Then came the day when he walked into my room with my favorite sunflowers on Valentine’s. I had a really great day that day and the company made it better! He sent me back and since my roomie wasn’t coming back for the night, he stayed for a while longer. I realised he started fidgeting and there are only 3 reasons he will fidget, well i was pretty sure it was all 3 then. If fidgeting wasn’t enough, he started pacing around the room and after a while he managed to get the words out.
“Will you be my girlfriend?” These were the 5 words that came out of his mouth after half an hour of fidgeting. I was so overwhelmed that i couldnt reply so he thought i was ignoring him and he repeated the question again in Chinese. It took me a while before my brain untangled and i finally said yes. It has been 5 days since we got official and i haven’t regret any single day i spent with him, ever since i met him about half a year back.
If you happen to see this, I love you and yes it’s my ome session again.
Thankful
To You,
I am sorry if i seem so immature and too cool headed about us, like i do not care at all. I do care, in fact i am scared i might care too much. I have been through so many ups and downs, especially the past 6 years. I faced off so many difficulties along the way. To make things worse, for the past 2 years i have faced so many demons on my own. I have made a few close friends along the way but there are so many things i did not tell them as i find it may be a burden to them.
As time passes, i have kinda learned to keep my guard up around people for fear that they will damage and hurt me all over again. Trusting someone became a difficult thing for me, i stopped opening up to people and i find it redundant to share about myself. I mean what’s the point when you know they are going to hurt you all over again if you let them in? I try to make it a point to be there for people i know, especially if i know they need someone to talk to cos i know how terrible it is to keep stuff bottled up. The thing is, when you have been strong for people around you, they will slowly forget that you need someone to be strong for you also. As time passes, i kinda got used to not telling anyone issues i have been facing and kept a lot of things bottled up. Until i met you.
I didn’t expect you to come into my life so suddenly and unexpectedly. You were not part of my plan neither was i part of yours. I thought we were going to keep things professional, and just stay as working partners. I didn’t expect you to actually want to be something more. When you first said you wanted to protect and love me, i brushed it off as a joke as no one have ever told me these things seriously before. There was another reason why i decided to brush it off, i was afraid. I was so scared that you were actually able to get me to open my heart so easily and just talk to you about all my fears and ambitions so easily. I was afraid you will leave, just like the rest did. I was frightened that I actually want you in my life to share all the ups and downs from now on.
The day i decided to let go of all of fears and believe for once was that night when you decided to pull me in and hold me in your arms. No one have ever held me that tight before, never. For some reason, i just decided to ask why you were holding me that tight. And the response i got was ‘Why do i need a reason to hold you tight mmm?’, and you held me even tighter while stroking my hair gently. You know my stories and yet you still decided to love me for who i am and i am very thankful for that. I love how you give me random kisses on my forehead all the time before hugging me tight. I love how we can stay in each other’s arms and just talk about anything and everything. I love how i can be so comfortable and just fall asleep in your arms and for the very first time, I finally understood what this quote means: One day you will find someone who will hug you tight enough that all your broken pieces will come together. For once i will admit, i do want you in my life.
Through a kaleidoscope 